if there is a beginning and an end, i am arriving at the end and then, starting again.
i have spoken of a vow which seems impossible to keep, but still, i work to become new again in the deep of my sleep. i offer the ball as evidence of the call i made in the Summer of 2008 and then, i reach further back to remember Carson McCullers' words like a prize, "and by habit they shortened their thoughts so as not to wander into the darkness beyond tomorrow." Suddenly, I'm in a dusty old bookstore in Chelsea, somewhere down the long stretch of west 17th street. I'm twenty two years old, confident like gold. I'm thinking, singing, and humming to myself as I strut, "I'm running through all these promises to you that I made and I could not keep..." as Leonard said in a song... and now, I say, to anyone who needs to know, trying to be free is the name of the show. The young man behind the counter says, "the book is half price for you." I smile and take his number, even though I shouldn't. I think to myself, over twelve years ago, if you have nothing to gain, you have nothing to spend and worse still, nothing left to lend. Now I notice the way the ground breaks, the way my body still shakes when spirit speaks, screams and howls all the same. A poem i wrote one afternoon a long time ago, in another lifetime it seems, comes ripping back through my mind like a chimes in the wind of a memory i can see like now, hear like then, feel like when.
I am not pigtails aiming to please
not anymore
that's for sure
the flooding of nectar
and so i swim
begin again
each time every time
i begin again
and then...
i am manic and crash
bringing it back
i am broken enough to pick up the peaces
unfold at your leisure life
by all means
be my guest
i am confirmed
baptized
blessed
and i regain the right to rest
bahmitvah me for i am so
in this i'm sure
in this i know
my robes are hung
my body pure
my skin
my hair
the white of my nail
sing me for it
hail
hail
for i see heaven split the sky
when my breath does break a sigh
alive
alive
i am
alive
